Day 1 - The Journey Begins

Day started at 4AM. Up to shower, pack up the last minute bits of stuff and then off to Mark's. Boarded the flight, albeit with a slight embarrassment for Mark (he didn't read the Google Wave reminded everyone that TSA guidelines prohibit liquids in excess of 3.4oz as carry-on), then spent the entire 5.5 hours engaged in a wonderful conversation with a woman and her family from Australia. Covered a lot of topics, but met a very pleasant family. Found the hotel after a bit of mucking about, ran by Wal-Mart for some water and sunscreen, then back to the hotel. So far not a bad day, had a brief reminder of affection from her and enjoyed the mention. Can't wait to see her again. Oh, listen to me prattling on, closing for now as we're off to get good and smashed, tune in tomorrow for the next bit of fun and excitement on this.

From somewhere deep inside...

In recent days and weeks, the return of a situation that has provided more emotional impetus than any other has found its way back into my mind and occupied my thoughts. The few that are aware of the goings on, and the day to day ups and downs, have done their best to empathize, to understand, and to accept. To those few I commend you all. But in providing such open mindedness, some of them have come to see me in a new light. I’ve somehow come to be seen in a way that suggests others think me the bearer of an indomitable and unflinching conviction for personal commitment that surpasses and far exceeds the limits of others.

The phrase “I don’t know how you do it” has become a refrain I’m hearing all too often. The disbelief of my patience, understanding, accommodation, and willing acceptance of circumstances in a situation that far from fair, is espoused at length by more than a few. A kind of staggering bewilderment that one such as myself would so blindly or willingly commit to a dynamic or situation so clouded, sordid, and capable of such wide sweeping destruction has infected those closest to me. Please don’t take this to suggest that people think me stupid or foolish (I do enough of that myself), but rather that the day to day endurance of the situation with not so much as a major meltdown or severe loss of self, has come to be recognized as a feat outside the capabilities of most everyone.

I can’t say where the strength or resolve to go on comes from. I don’t know what deep and seemingly endless pool inside of me I draw from to power my unyielding frame of mind. I don’t think its super human or anything of the sort, but a facet of human interaction that is dying fast. There are too many superficial dynamics, fair-weather friendships, and lackluster relationships that die out too quickly and are seen as little more than a natural progression of life. The kind of openness and resolve I’ve come to share is far too foreign in today’s society to be understood by those around me.

I’ve contemplated a great deal about what makes the relationships of others fizzle out and what makes others succeed. As near as I can narrow it down, it would seem that the only real motivation for attempting to cultivate a relationship of any kind with someone else these days is for sex. Sex itself has become the primary impetus for any kind of connection between two peoples of the opposite sex. It’s no longer a facet to express love or trust; it’s simply the “logical” endpoint for all relationships.

It’s no longer boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy woos girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl live happily ever after. Instead it’s become boy sees girl, boy gets girl drunk and has a conversation consisting of idly complimenting her shoes or hair, girl gets drunk, boy takes girl home, boy and girl hook up, boy and girl continue talking but build a relationship based on sex, boy wants anal, girl says no, boy and girl break up. I’m over simplifying of course, but the point stands that the relationships become about sex. When the sex gets boring the relationship dies. No anal, no Italian Chandelier (it helps if you’re really limber or do Yoga), no real experimentation or connection because the sex doesn’t engender trust. So when the action goes from carnal pleasure and indulgence to senseless rutting with little more emotional response than wiping your nose, the relationship dies.

So it is with this realization in mind, the truth of what dating, courtship, and relationships of a romantic sort have become, that I find little surprise in the acknowledgment of others in regards to my deep and profound commitment to someone else. For me, the sex is a facet of expressing the depths of love, the expanse of trust, and the overall indulgence in the unspoken bond of affection with another person. The sex is not the end point goal, or the over riding intention of my relationships, but just another way of saying “I love you”. Since it was never, and has never been about sex for me, I have no issue staying true to myself and my convictions for the person. I’m invested, not just on a superficial level, but on a deep level of connection. It’s something elusive and ambiguous to most everyone else. It’s a practice of a bygone era and time. Seeing human companionship as the ultimate way to feel complete and happy, instead of pursuing useless idle pursuits of indulgence of the flesh is a practice that has set me far apart from my peers.

I don’t expect any grandiose epiphany or awakening in anyone from this, I’m sure the ambiguity I’ve made sure to maintain regarding certain details, and the overall lack of solid discourse for being able to identify with the feelings and viewpoints I’ve discussed make it a bit hard to find solid ground upon which to stand with this one, but let me see if I can sum it up a bit. Sex is a by product of emotional feeling, it should always be secondary to the pleasure of being in one’s company instead of the primary aim. If you embrace the attachment, make the investment, and allow personal conviction and commitment to something greater than just mindless rutting to empower you, anyone can do as I have done, and remain committed to ideal, no matter how hopeless it seems at time, that true love is waiting.