Right in Two...

I think I’ve reached a point right now in life where the chaos is mutedly overwhelming. It’s sobering to realize that pretty much every significantly influential person in your life is no longer a part of it. My best friend has moved away and I’m blessed to see him on the weekends. The previous bane of my existence that I mistook for the reason of my being has moved on to sunnier skies and an exclusive life with her husband. It seems that my life has become a veritable revolving door of people. I hardly keep in touch with anyone that I called friend two years ago, and even now I’m realizing that I have tenuous relationships with the few people in my life now.
I accept that I will most likely never have a trophy girlfriend. As much as I wish I could have the perfect ten or the knockout drag out gorgeous beauty that makes even Venus envious, I will inevitably be made to go without. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done my level best to seek them out and do anything and everything I can to woo them. But it just never seems to work out. Either they just want to be friends, or in my most recent bout of unrequited affection, she was forced to leave before we even got started. The universe, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.
I am a die hard romantic, the kind of guy that falls hard, falls fast, and does everything imaginable to come off as sweet and endearing as possible. I’m the first guy to offer my seat or hold out a chair. Hell, I’m almost afraid to admit this, but I nearly gave up my Tool concert ticket for the opportunity to spend time with my newest romantic interest. Tell me that’s not both pathetic and slightly endearing. I dare you! But that’s just my way I suppose.
Now one thing that does bother me a little bit is the notion women have about how easily replaced they are. I’m not sure where this comes from, whether it’s the male mindset and how easily guys like my best friend cycle women in and out of the bedroom, or whether it genuinely stems from a self esteem issue. The last two women I’ve taken a shine to have openly told me that they expect me to find hotter and more readily available women in their absence. This disturbs me in large part because I have a tendency to avoid emotional commitment and intimacy at almost all costs as a means of preventing myself from the vulnerability that comes as a result, but when I do actually allow myself to feel something for someone else I feel it in the extreme. I don’t fall easily for just anyone, nor do I commit myself completely on a whim. It’s a kind of unspoken bond or connection that permeates and exudes from being around that person. Like pheromones.
Now the idea of love is tossed around these days in the same manner as a pair of really old but comfortable shoes. You like wearing them, they feel really good, and you enjoy the comfort they afford, but to attach that kind of strong emotion to an object you’re going to eventually get rid of is a wee bit dangerous. Now I’ll admit I’ve used the expression “I love (noun)” on occasion but in reality when I genuinely feel that way, when I honestly, truthfully and absolutely feel the kind of love that I know is genuine, I won’t say it, so much as do anything and everything I possibly can to show it.
Now the above cited behavior speaks directly to another issue. Passion. It’s a simple word with hundreds of connotations, but for me it’s both my greatest strength and biggest weakness. I have unbridled passion for things, people, places, and experiences. Focus that passion into a relationship or a social dynamic and it becomes something overwhelming. The flip side is that far too many are lacking in any kind of noticeable passion or commitment toward anything (see my last bitter diatribe, I apologize if I offended anyone, or wrote it in such a way that it seemed targeted, it wasn’t I swear). But to exist in a world where passion is at a premium and apathy or passing interest is the norm makes my passion and commitment serve only to make me look insane or slightly deranged and in need of severe psychological assistance.
I digress though, and offer the following. I do believe that the kind of storybook intensely passionate overwhelming love that is portrayed in movies and cheesy dime store novels does indeed exist. The kind of love that cuts to your core and make you weak in the knees, the kind of thing where having to fathom being without the one person that completes you is just too overwhelming to contemplate. The kind of love that you would be willing to traverse hell, move heaven and earth, and sacrifice your own soul just to spend another five minutes with that person. I believe it exists, even in the microcosm of my own emotional spectrum, but I believe it’s out there, and I believe that someday if you search hard enough any of you can and will find it. If you’re reading this, I’ll be waiting for your return, and I’ll be just as crazy when you get back as I am now (maybe more insane but no promises). I’m not an optimist by trade or practice, so read the following from that context, but honestly I believe that the kind of love and passion that we all seek can be found if we’re willing to forego the petty, trivial trappings of carnal desire and satisfaction and strike out with a willingness to scour the ends of existence to find the one person that can make us not just happy but the complete and whole beings we are intended to be at the moment of our first cry.

I’ll be waiting for you…

Don't stare too deeply...

Why does no one have any conviction anymore? Why is it that we make decisions and then either apologize for them or go completely against them? I am a passionate being, often told I’m too passionate for my own good. I have a bad habit of adhering to my own convictions and decisions almost to a fault. I fell in love with a married woman and even though common sense and my friends dictated that I get out of her life and the situation as quickly as I possibly could, I remained there for two and a half years. I committed myself completely to the idea that she and I could be something more than just a secret affair. I pined away, grew up, moved out, found a real job, left old friends, lied to family and friends, I did everything I possibly could to make it work and in the end she left to have the life she always planned to.
Conviction like mine is incredibly rare, I’ve yet to meet anyone with the kind of unwavering conviction toward things that I have. Sadly, in my experience, people claim one thing then do another. They are afraid or unwilling to commit or adhere to even their own moral standing. Almost everyone around me makes a decision and then is easily swayed to doing something else. Managers that claim they’re going to fire useless employees and then keep them working out of personal feelings. Women who claim they love their husbands yet continue sleeping with other people. Girls who end relationships out of unhappiness but keep friendly lines of communication out of guilt and the misplaced notion of obligation. Guys who claim to be in love yet can’t turn down the offer of sex from someone else. I spent two years committed to a woman that was getting laid by someone else on a regular basis and yet for the entire time I was never unfaithful.
It seems that fear and society have engendered a mindset where people are afraid to really let themselves feel anything. We’ve idealized the notion and idea of love as something that can be neatly packaged into a ninety minute narrative. We shy away from the idea of love at first sight in favor of a more relaxed and dramatic approach involving harsh words and long courtships. We are afraid to trust or commit, to open ourselves up to anyone. Professions of love and affection are cheap things these days. Kisses, the utterance of those three words, hugs, none of it means anything anymore. It’s all so useless and stupid.
No one is comfortable with their own decisions anymore. We make countless excuses for why we do or don’t do something, never taking responsibility for any singular action. It’s always the result of bad planning, extenuating circumstances, or the age old asinine assertion “I don’t want to start drama”. Bullshit. You’re a callow piece of shit no conviction that cows down the slightest bit of pressure. You dumped your boyfriend. You did it. Not your friend, not your mother, not your imaginary friend from when you were six. YOU. You made the decision. Take responsibility for it.
I spent two and a half years mired in a hell the likes of which I can’t begin to truly and or effectively convey. Attempt to picture, if you will, that the one thing you love and desire most in the world is the one thing causing you the absolute greatest pain imaginable. Every morning I woke up, and spoke to her as though the delusion were real. I would silently endure the knife being twisted when she’d tell me she had to go because he was getting home early. The ultimate stick in the eye was when she invited me over to stay the night since he was going out of town and then proceeded to tell me that she intended to sleep with him that night. A lesser man would have crumbled or exploded. But I endured. Perhaps I am the ultimate testament to the human spirit. But I endured it all, sat and mired through all the misery and shabby treatment. And in the end although everyone told me it was bad news I continued to sit there, stuck in the hell of my own creation. And you know what? I blame no one else for my decision. I made a choice, to stay there with her and wallow in the agony of every day I spent longing to be back in her arms. I was stupid, young and naïve and I paid a cost for that naivety. But I owned that choice. I made it of my volition.
It sickens me how many people push off their own short comings or mistakes on someone else. The myriad of excuses as to why simple things can’t be done or taken care of is enough to drown in. I feel like I’m set adrift in an ocean of sycophants; self serving, anti-confrontation, passive, dip shits that make a million and one excuses as to why they waver on simple things that they should be staunchly for or against. Too often I run into the miserable girl who hates her relationship but loves the guy. Sorry but you can’t have one without the other. If he treats you like you shit and you’re not happy about that, then you’re not happy in the relationship. I learned it the hard way, but I learned it. Show a little back bone and for once in your miserable life do something for yourself!

Tool

I call seven shades of bullshit! Okay sorry but I’m battling two evils right now. I’m elated I got to see Tool Saturday night and the fun that the evening brought with it. I think I’ll save the angst filled rant for the next piece. So Saturday was awesome in ways beyond words. The bands were great, the energy was electric, and the people I was with were some of the best brightest examples of decent human beings I’ve ever come across.
The day started out awesome with a pre-show meet up for all of us Tool Army members (TA). We talked, introduced ourselves, ate, drank, laughed, played, we even had a foot race (I kicked everyone’s ass). Then we went to the show itself and looked on as one band after another took the stage. Wolf Mother did their thing as modern day Led Zeppelin rip offs, then Alice in Chains took the stage and rocked out hard on the classics, the new material was a little blasé but I digress. Then we endured Linkin Park for nearly an hour. For some odd reason Chester decided he was going to shoe horn his new band into LP’s set and drag it out even further. Dip shit diva! Oh well, he got fucked hard when midway through Breaking the Habit all his power got cut and the band went silent. Serves them right, suckers!
With the opening acts long gone, the roadies and stage techs began tearing down. The lights went down, the sky went completely clear, an eerie almost palpable quiet descended over the crowd. I think I was actually holding my breath. My feet were killing me, my legs were stiff, and my back, neck, and shoulders were screaming for some relief but all of a sudden the burden of my own weight seemed gone. Danny Carey’s symbol, held aloft proudly above the stage slowly began to light up and seconds later a cart carrying the man’s drum set was moved into position. The almost steel calm that has lasted for the better part of twenty minutes suddenly erupted into massive cheers and applause. That’s when the reality set in, I was mere minutes away from experiencing what I had been told would be a life changing experience. The lights went down completely, the screens went black on either side of the stage, and four men in t-shirts and jeans stepped quietly onto the stage amid shadows and wild cheering.
As the applause died down there was a single sound that pierced the growing quiet. The opening chords to Jambi were being played by none other than Adam Jones himself. The visuals cued up and the band got into it. Maynard did his best to partake in the fun, despite being ridden to a crutch (the reason for this is still unknown, aside from “God kicked me right in the balls”) and Adam and Justin played a wonderful push and pull game during segues and solos. It was a wonderful night that is by far one of the best I’ve ever had.
I know I’m being a bit vague on the details, but honestly the whole night was just so ridiculously awesome that I feel I would only cheapen it if I actually tried to convey using words. I waited four months to for that show and it was worth every moment. I’m anxiously looking forward to the next one.

Bring me the head of the Disco King!

I know it's odd that I would name a blog after a David Bowie song when I'm not really a fan, but Maynard was involved in a remix by Danny Lohner and...Oh skip it! Not worth the explanation. I've got a dollar says most of you reading this have no idea that David Bowie even did a song by that name anyway. So I digress.
The first post in what will no doubt become a long series of entries centering on my gripe of the day. I almost can't remember how long it's been since I've done one of these that hasn't been a completely emotion ridden diatribe that centered on the wrong doings of or lack luster treatment I received from my ex. Let's see, if memory serves my domain went up for renewal some time in 2006. So it's been at least 3 years. Wow that's a sobering thought. Oh well enough posturing, I'm boring the hell out of you already and I haven't even gotten to the point of this thing yet.
Blogs these days serve as the ultimate level playing field for sharing thoughts, ideas, notions, and feelings on everything from Dixie cups to politics. I mean Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska so she could spend more time on Facebook! Okay not really, but so far that's the only thing she's done since stepping down. Who reads these things, how many people will actually come to this page and partake of my rants? Hard to say, hard to anticipate, but I'm hopeful. I'm somewhat of an old salt at this game in that I previously had my own domain where I did this kind of thing and even before that I was a message board junkie.
Okay enough reminiscing from me. Let's talk turkey here. The health care reforms are a huge hot button issue these days that seems to have people from every circle of political ideology speaking out in some way shape or form. The legislation has people up in arms and the country is completely divided over the issue and the sad fact is that whether you're for it or against it, odds are you're just as ignorant as most everyone else about what the plan really involves. Staunch Republicans are claiming that the program is seeking to put in place death panels that will have the final word on whether someone lives or dies depending on the cost of treating their illness. Democrats...well they're still on their way to the debate. I'm sorry but when a party that has majority control over all three branches of government is holding up their own agenda, I begin to question the competency of these people.
I look at video clips and footage of these town hall meetings where people have Obama done up like Hitler or Batman’s Joker, and I can’t help but laugh. This is the man they put into office and now they’re complaining about the mess he’s supposedly making. I laugh not just at the ridiculousness of how badly they’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion but at the rhetoric they’re chanting while they stand out there protesting something they’re almost criminally ignorant about. I saw one clip where someone said something to the effect “we live in a republic not a democracy!” The statement tickled me a bit because it’s like this is the first time he’s noticing the state of our government. It’s only the same system that’s been in operation for the past two hundred plus years. We, the general populace, have almost no power when it comes to the legislation that is put in place. A direct democracy can’t exist in today’s society. Three hundred million people in this state (I’m speaking from a political science perspective, not a colloquial one) and we can’t even agree that reality TV peaked five years ago and American Idol is more a game show than anything else. It’s like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune.
This state is a republic, we elect selfish incompetent leaders to offices they’re not qualified for and then complain about them like it’s a soap opera and as a result we completely gloss over the things we should be paying attention to. Last week the War on Terror was quietly ended (how many of you knew that before I said it?) and yet there was more press coverage about people coming out to protest free health care than anything else. I haven’t read the legislation so I’m not going to comment on whether it’s right or wrong, but what I will say is that our entire medical industry is screwed up. That’s the real problem.
It’s not an issue of insuring people who don’t have insurance; it’s an issue of fixing the lifestyles of the people who drive the cost of health care through the ceiling. The people who devour Big Macs by the truckload or scarf down jelly donuts every morning and then go to their doctor asking for weight loss pills are the ones that health care unaffordable for the rest of us. The only regular exercise I get is making a fool of myself on stage or trying to be smooth in the bedroom, both only happen rarely. I eat out for all three meals of the day and the minute my waist band starts getting tight I will actually be the first one to say, “I did this to myself.” Our entire society is sick because of society itself. We work longer hours to make more money so we can buy more stuff we don’t need, so we can give a better life to children that don’t appreciate the sacrifice, all while dealing with bad eating habits, stress levels that cause heart attacks, strokes, and who knows what all else. We live in a complete double standard. Women wear low cut tops and pile on pounds of make up in the hope of looking good and then become offended when men stare at their cleavage or ask to buy them a drink. If you don’t want to be objectified, don’t make yourself look like you’re for sale. I’m sorry if that’s offensive but I have no sympathy for you. In a culture where instead of just saying no when asked for your phone number we have entire hotlines for rejection, I take this as a high water mark that something is seriously wrong. I have frequented the same bar for years and I love it there. For the most part it’s good people, fun times, and nothing more than the occasional bout of high school drama. In all that time I think maybe five people have actually gotten my phone number. Three of them are men who I know are not gay, one of the women is married and the other woman had an interest beyond friendship that was quickly sorted out.
We have softened the language for all of our worst vices and completely taken the seriousness out of it. We sugar coat actual problems and market miracle drugs to fix almost everything. We’ve spent billions of dollars in research money to come up with a pill that’s supposed to enhance a man’s sexual prowess. Sorry Chuck but if you can’t ring her bell without the pills odds are you’re just not doing it right. We’ve got statistics to support the notion that half the country is depressed, so we prescribe tons of antidepressants to make people believe they’re happy, when really it’s not a chemical imbalance that makes them want to slit their wrists, it’s their miserable life. They work forty hours a week at a job they hate, to pay for a car they don’t want, a house they’re going to lose in their inevitable divorce anyway, and to raise kids that appreciate nothing and become the lord and masters of their parents. So we prescribe pills to fix the guy’s depression and he proceeds to scarf down mountains of greasy deep fried food in an effort to dull the pain without ever actually fixing the problem. We don’t need health care reform, we need social reform.
The idea of what it is to be American is so clouded that no one really understands it anymore. We drive imported cars because our own auto industry has failed completely. We buy consumer products assembled overseas because it’s cheaper to manufacture. We have nothing left to call our own. We’ve become bankrupt in our own pursuit of trying to get things. I was in the store the other day and this kid was standing in an aisle balling his eyes out while his mother was bargaining with the kid to be quiet. She offered him toys, candy, even a trip to Disneyland! I couldn’t help but feel like this woman and other parents like her and single handedly condemning our society to a future of temper tantrums and fits. I’m curious to see what this next generation of brats will become. I’m anticipating a scenario where a kid who grew up always getting his way stands up in congress and introduces some piece of legislation and then throws a tantrum by holding his breath and stamping his feet until everyone votes for his bill. A world where the president sits pouting in the office of a foreign dignitary until a trade agreement is signed.
Our culture is sick, our society is sick, our bodies and minds are polluted beyond repair and still we trudge on. The unconquerable human spirit has become a slave to itself, ushering in new ways to make us suffer. We devise new tortures, new punishments, new ways to force others into submitting to our will, and all of it for no other reason that simply to have the most toys. We are sorely lacking in love on any level, but that’s a rant for another day.

“It is not I who am crazy; it is I who am mad!” - Ren