Right in Two...

I think I’ve reached a point right now in life where the chaos is mutedly overwhelming. It’s sobering to realize that pretty much every significantly influential person in your life is no longer a part of it. My best friend has moved away and I’m blessed to see him on the weekends. The previous bane of my existence that I mistook for the reason of my being has moved on to sunnier skies and an exclusive life with her husband. It seems that my life has become a veritable revolving door of people. I hardly keep in touch with anyone that I called friend two years ago, and even now I’m realizing that I have tenuous relationships with the few people in my life now.
I accept that I will most likely never have a trophy girlfriend. As much as I wish I could have the perfect ten or the knockout drag out gorgeous beauty that makes even Venus envious, I will inevitably be made to go without. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done my level best to seek them out and do anything and everything I can to woo them. But it just never seems to work out. Either they just want to be friends, or in my most recent bout of unrequited affection, she was forced to leave before we even got started. The universe, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.
I am a die hard romantic, the kind of guy that falls hard, falls fast, and does everything imaginable to come off as sweet and endearing as possible. I’m the first guy to offer my seat or hold out a chair. Hell, I’m almost afraid to admit this, but I nearly gave up my Tool concert ticket for the opportunity to spend time with my newest romantic interest. Tell me that’s not both pathetic and slightly endearing. I dare you! But that’s just my way I suppose.
Now one thing that does bother me a little bit is the notion women have about how easily replaced they are. I’m not sure where this comes from, whether it’s the male mindset and how easily guys like my best friend cycle women in and out of the bedroom, or whether it genuinely stems from a self esteem issue. The last two women I’ve taken a shine to have openly told me that they expect me to find hotter and more readily available women in their absence. This disturbs me in large part because I have a tendency to avoid emotional commitment and intimacy at almost all costs as a means of preventing myself from the vulnerability that comes as a result, but when I do actually allow myself to feel something for someone else I feel it in the extreme. I don’t fall easily for just anyone, nor do I commit myself completely on a whim. It’s a kind of unspoken bond or connection that permeates and exudes from being around that person. Like pheromones.
Now the idea of love is tossed around these days in the same manner as a pair of really old but comfortable shoes. You like wearing them, they feel really good, and you enjoy the comfort they afford, but to attach that kind of strong emotion to an object you’re going to eventually get rid of is a wee bit dangerous. Now I’ll admit I’ve used the expression “I love (noun)” on occasion but in reality when I genuinely feel that way, when I honestly, truthfully and absolutely feel the kind of love that I know is genuine, I won’t say it, so much as do anything and everything I possibly can to show it.
Now the above cited behavior speaks directly to another issue. Passion. It’s a simple word with hundreds of connotations, but for me it’s both my greatest strength and biggest weakness. I have unbridled passion for things, people, places, and experiences. Focus that passion into a relationship or a social dynamic and it becomes something overwhelming. The flip side is that far too many are lacking in any kind of noticeable passion or commitment toward anything (see my last bitter diatribe, I apologize if I offended anyone, or wrote it in such a way that it seemed targeted, it wasn’t I swear). But to exist in a world where passion is at a premium and apathy or passing interest is the norm makes my passion and commitment serve only to make me look insane or slightly deranged and in need of severe psychological assistance.
I digress though, and offer the following. I do believe that the kind of storybook intensely passionate overwhelming love that is portrayed in movies and cheesy dime store novels does indeed exist. The kind of love that cuts to your core and make you weak in the knees, the kind of thing where having to fathom being without the one person that completes you is just too overwhelming to contemplate. The kind of love that you would be willing to traverse hell, move heaven and earth, and sacrifice your own soul just to spend another five minutes with that person. I believe it exists, even in the microcosm of my own emotional spectrum, but I believe it’s out there, and I believe that someday if you search hard enough any of you can and will find it. If you’re reading this, I’ll be waiting for your return, and I’ll be just as crazy when you get back as I am now (maybe more insane but no promises). I’m not an optimist by trade or practice, so read the following from that context, but honestly I believe that the kind of love and passion that we all seek can be found if we’re willing to forego the petty, trivial trappings of carnal desire and satisfaction and strike out with a willingness to scour the ends of existence to find the one person that can make us not just happy but the complete and whole beings we are intended to be at the moment of our first cry.

I’ll be waiting for you…