Diary of a madman

Sadly, I've been letting this new bastion of cathartic intention fall to the wayside like so many others from years gone by. It's not been an intentional thing, it's just that my creative juices have been somewhat stymied lately. I'm still sitting somewhat stagnant, trying in earnest to fill old holes, and mend wounds that still bleed freely. In all honesty I'm avoiding the major cathartic purge that I'm truly in need of and I'm doing it because part of me doesn't want to forget or let go of the emotions driving that emotional buildup. There is such a thing as too much honesty.

So here I am, exposed (somewhat) to the slings and arrows of a populace that doesn't exist. Laid bare before the denizens of a following that exists only in my own mind. I'm finding solace in unlikely places and but ultimately I'm running. I'm running from myself truthfully, unwilling and too afraid to really face those fears. Yes, I, the man who bares all to win a bet, the man who comes willingly to social gatherings in nothing more than a towel, I have fear. A deeply rooted fear regarding what may still be, and what can never be. I fear the darker side of my own nature, the side of me that's been stuffed down and pushed so far down that even now I can feel it gnashing its fangs and howling with feral intensity to get free. The side that those who've seen it, cringe at.

Fears can cripple or they can empower depending on how we look at them and how much power we give them. For me, I've always sought vehemently to strip my fears of any power, to render them impotent by sheer force of will. But I can feel the emotional burden building with each and every day that passes, every sunrise adding to the uneasiness of what is still to come. Try as I might, it is ultimately I who am powerless in this scenario. I pray for salvation, for release, and for the resolve and the willpower to continue to hold that beast at bay. Only time will tell how powerful I truly am, and whether that strength is enough to subdue and contain the feral side of my id.

The greatest fear of mine is perhaps that of love. The idea that anyone can feel as intensely or passionately for me as I do for them is something I seek but I'm unsure if it's truly something I could handle. My passion is boundless, driving me, pushing me into a mindset of visceral expression. For most it's not just daunting but is outright intimidating. Yet I persevere, haunted by a past that should never have been. Run for all you're worth, you can't escape your own shadow.

Sadly I think this entire piece, while coded in my trademark vagueness of being able to say a lot without actually saying anything at all, is a round about way for me to simply express that I'm emotionally conflicted and longing.