Your blind self-righteous sense of indignation is parked on my foot...

“It can only end badly you let someone get too close.” “Systematic detachment from emotional reaction…” “Humanity is only ever capable of engendering pain upon one another.” “Happiness is fleeting.” All of these quotes make up the mainstay of what I like to call my fatalist persona. The side of me shrouded in shadow and dedicated to keeping the true beast of negativity contained. I once clung to these bits and pieces of rhetoric as though they were gospel teachings handed to me directly by a deity. Eventually, as most everyone now knows the story, I began to reevaluate and in truth ended up invalidating all of it because of a singular woman that restored my faith in humanity and compelled me to begin not only trusting but truly investing in other people.

I know that for most, the feelings and notions toward Nicole are distant and cold at best, at worst there are those that would seek to have her husband find out everything that’s gone on (I still wrestle with that compulsion, more out of guilt than anything else) and would seek to destroy her completely. In spite of the hell that I endured because of her and all of the sacrifice that I made toward furthering a goal that only one of us wanted, there did come some good from it. The caveat being that in spite of the entire good, she still left me broken hearted a bit jaded.

That said it’s now story time. Once upon a time there was a jaded boy that disliked most everyone and everything and did a myriad of outlandish things simply for shock value. One night the boy gets a wild hair up his ass and heads to a bar in January wearing a Halloween costume. And so our story begins, the boy met an engaged woman that night and the two began what was initially supposed to be a purely physical relationship. Boy tries to maintain emotional distance and keep the dynamic purely physical despite finding himself developing real feelings. Engaged woman drops the bombs that she has feelings and the tone of the relationship changes. Boy hastily contacts friends and makes plans to elope with engaged woman to Vegas. Engaged woman declines, citing her impending wedding date and boy’s lack of stability as reason enough to avoid making a hasty commitment. Boy becomes hopelessly committed to woman and slowly becomes a man. The affair continues on and off for the next year and a half until eventually woman moves to San Diego with husband and man is left alone. Now here’s where the plot really begins to thicken. Our hero is left to either wallow and mire in the hurt and the misery that would inevitably follow or seek out a means of preventing self destruction.

What most don’t know is that our hero chose a middle ground. He bravely chose to refuse to even acknowledge the void and simply seek to fill it all while ignoring it. A simple idea that gets complicated at even the slightest hint of analysis but for our hero not such a tall order. Invariably, as most times happens though, plans went astray. Suitable filler couldn’t be found for the void and the cracks began to show. But as most often times happens, fortune smiled down and a genuine emotion began to really develop for another love interest of our hero. Life seemed good and when everything stayed together instead of exploding or the very fabric of reality itself unraveling, it all looked to be on the verge of actually working out. However, our hero’s new interest left, lost to the ether and barely continuing to make contact or show signs of life. And so the gate keeper bristled. The tiny voice inside our hero’s head that whispered haunting reminders of the pain and the misery engendered by those most intrinsically trusted began to yell his thoughts and influence our hero’s perceptions of the world. When all seemed lost, our hero found presence of mind and resisted slipping back into the gap of misfortune and self loathing. But that’s not where the story ends. Confusion and intrigue abounded with notions and examples of clandestine dealings, false promises and the like, and worst but what seemed like lies. Finally our hero could take no more, so he punched Chuck Norris in the face and found eternal bliss.

Wasn’t that a great story? I have one about Giant Pigs but I don’t think the time is right. I forgot the point I was making, something about people not being worth the effort needed to befriend them, oh fuck it. I’ve got only a handful of readers anyway, I need sleep. Time for a nap at work, or another early night…