Fair Weather for a Friend...

Disillusionment is not something that is easily dealt with for anyone but for me it’s perhaps one of the most volatile things I can encounter. There comes a point for most everyone where they begin to feel disheartened with things, but for me and my penchant toward extremes it becomes a deep and vitriolic questioning of things that should just be accepted as intrinsic fact. The decision for any measure of appropriate action is something that should never truly be taken lightly but in my case, overt analysis usually lends itself to my becoming increasingly convinced of an outcome that no one can fathom let alone accept. Ironically though, I’m usually the one guy who saw the outcome but too concerned with other things by the time it happens to truly care.

Blame my Rubik’s complex, or my simply overactive mind, but for whatever reason I, like House, care more about puzzles and solutions than I do people. Despite that proclivity though there are times when the human element perplexes more than the puzzle at hand and I find myself trying in earnest to figure out the solution to something that can truthfully never be predicted.

To be fair, I have an innate ability (as most of you know, some might actually claim it’s inane though) to read people and anticipate their actions and reactions to most any stimulus. There are those rare occasions though, where I simply cannot get a bead on someone and the complexity of reasons as to why coupled with my disdain at failure usually produces one of two responses. The first and most common knee jerk reaction is for me to simply rationalize that the conundrum isn’t worth the gratification of solution and simply relegate the entire ordeal to the same place that incorrectly quoted song lyrics go, namely as something wholly trivial and inconsequential. Then there is the other reaction…

The voracious and rapacious need to figure out not only why I’m unable to discern the motivations and agenda of my query results in an all consuming obsession to ascertain an answer. The compulsion is sporadic and if not altogether infrequent. Far too often lately I’ve found it hard to devote the necessary mental resources toward achieving that end. However it is worth noting that my own mental acumen has been notably disparate from my usually advertent assuetude. My own explanation is somewhat hokey but it involves a need to recharge and reset after being mired in my own personal hell for so long. The truth of that rationalization however is flimsy at best.

It seems I have reached an impasse recently where I’m compelled to reevaluate a great number of things that been called into question. I’m seeking a reason to continue fighting for things that I so fervently want when I seem to be the only committed to achieving the goal. It is my understanding that relationships, in any dynamic are about give and take, with both parties giving or investing themselves toward the mutual betterment of themselves and the other. However, it is becoming increasingly obvious that I am, much to my sadness and chagrin, consigned to a near endless association with fair whether acquaintances. Half hearted, lack luster, pedantic, meager, and summarily short sighted efforts to simply appease and satisfy the implied obligation of association is the best I seem to be able to garner. Now this is not to say that every person in my circle of influence behaves this way, just that a majority of people in my life do. When they require something, or when their schedule is void of alternative activity then suddenly I’m the guy to hang out with.

The sad thing is that I allow it. Somewhere along the way I ceased being so hot headed and ought tempered and developed an almost disastrous acceptance of this kind of shoddy behavior and very rarely, if ever, voice my displeasure to those that perpetrate the action. Instead I suffer through it for what I believe is just penance for being a good friend only to be constantly disappointed by the inadequacies of those around me. Now I know that sounds incredibly one sided and selfish, but hey a phone call to just hi isn’t too far out of line is it? Shit I’d settle for a text message that’s a forward about how if you don’t send it to 7 people in 33 seconds you’re ass will explode and your nipples will spontaneously combust. Any measure of non-solicited contact is welcomed. Oh well maybe I’m just asking for a measure of human decency that can’t simply be delivered in today’s society.