Love begets obsession

I’ve noticed a dangerous association between love and obsession. The Offspring did a song back in their early years (the Smash album I think) called Self Esteem. In the song there’s a line that goes “…the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care…” and this statements seems to have become one of the central tenets of the way that relationships are approached. The correlation between love and obscene devotion is something that disturbs me greatly.

I will be the first to admit that I did nothing admirable or even condonable during my time with Nicole. While I was a decent man, and treated her with the utmost dignity and respect, I victimized myself by allowing her to dictate the pacing and tone of the relationship with no regard for my own hurt feelings. But I’m noticing that there are others that are willingly subjecting themselves to the kind of abhorrent treatment I so recently suffered.

I’m talking about women becoming hopelessly devoted to guys that they felt something for and think they can recapture the feelings, or girls who are willing to look past the misery of that their relationships engendered in the hopes of making things better. The idea that given enough time the issues will resolve themselves or cease to bother you is ludicrous at best. We become who we are through stimuli and our best reactions to it. To think that suffering will change someone’s most intrinsic facets is lunacy.

I once subscribed to the ideal that if I suffered long enough and vocally enough to everyone else but her then somehow things would change and get better. And not just with Nicole but with every woman I’ve ever been involved with. I won’t list all the names, but the point is that any amount of suffering or pining is unneeded. Now I say this full well knowing that I’m still making peace with and putting away some feelings that I harbor for someone, but I won’t begin to expand upon them here. The point is that it’s unneeded suffering.

The point and purpose of any interpersonal relationship or dynamic, I believe, is mutual betterment of the parties involved. If you’re miserable you’re not getting better. The problem, as I see it anyway, is that we’re all emotionally stunted in some way shape or form. I like to call it “emotional constipation”. We find people that we can connect with, even for a second, and we become hopelessly a ludicrously devoted to them in sick and obscene ways. Hell I fell in love with a girl not too long ago after knowing her for maybe two weeks. I’m guilty as charged for that sin.

The trick here is that while the behavior itself might be deplorable or at the very least disappointing, we all do it. Perfectly rational, logical, level headed people that let all of their better traits fly right out the window the minute they get around that special someone. I have a penchant for puzzles and figuring out people so naturally when I’m in a relationship I question everything, I seek absolute understanding, and can’t bear to be kept in the dark about anything. The primary thing that drove Nicole crazy was my ability to figure her out (I now know that women despise this in the worst possible way). Ironically the same proclivity didn’t extend to…whoops almost name dropped there. Let’s just say it didn’t out last the relationship.
The bottom line is that love is confused for obsession a bit too often I think and it’s not due to any true emotional connection but more a feeling that is propagated by proximity. Being near that person elicits a feeling and that feeling is sought out fervently. It’s like a drug that becomes an addiction and the thought of losing that person of getting them out of your head, of making a life without them in it is deplorable. So we cling to it ferociously and refuse to let it go. And almost before we know it, the impetus for the feelings are gone, the relationship has gone stale and we wind up hating who and what we’ve become and worse we shoulder guilt over what we’ve changed the other person into.

Think long and hard about whom you are now and who you think you might be if not for the significant other in your life or the last person you called your own. Consider all of the facets of your being and decide whether the behavior is something borne out of your own natural progression or the result of subtly being made into the ideal of someone else. It’s staggering when you look at it, and no doubt will cause a good number of you to reevaluate the people you thought you were, if you’re doing the analysis right that is.