Don't stare too deeply...

Why does no one have any conviction anymore? Why is it that we make decisions and then either apologize for them or go completely against them? I am a passionate being, often told I’m too passionate for my own good. I have a bad habit of adhering to my own convictions and decisions almost to a fault. I fell in love with a married woman and even though common sense and my friends dictated that I get out of her life and the situation as quickly as I possibly could, I remained there for two and a half years. I committed myself completely to the idea that she and I could be something more than just a secret affair. I pined away, grew up, moved out, found a real job, left old friends, lied to family and friends, I did everything I possibly could to make it work and in the end she left to have the life she always planned to.
Conviction like mine is incredibly rare, I’ve yet to meet anyone with the kind of unwavering conviction toward things that I have. Sadly, in my experience, people claim one thing then do another. They are afraid or unwilling to commit or adhere to even their own moral standing. Almost everyone around me makes a decision and then is easily swayed to doing something else. Managers that claim they’re going to fire useless employees and then keep them working out of personal feelings. Women who claim they love their husbands yet continue sleeping with other people. Girls who end relationships out of unhappiness but keep friendly lines of communication out of guilt and the misplaced notion of obligation. Guys who claim to be in love yet can’t turn down the offer of sex from someone else. I spent two years committed to a woman that was getting laid by someone else on a regular basis and yet for the entire time I was never unfaithful.
It seems that fear and society have engendered a mindset where people are afraid to really let themselves feel anything. We’ve idealized the notion and idea of love as something that can be neatly packaged into a ninety minute narrative. We shy away from the idea of love at first sight in favor of a more relaxed and dramatic approach involving harsh words and long courtships. We are afraid to trust or commit, to open ourselves up to anyone. Professions of love and affection are cheap things these days. Kisses, the utterance of those three words, hugs, none of it means anything anymore. It’s all so useless and stupid.
No one is comfortable with their own decisions anymore. We make countless excuses for why we do or don’t do something, never taking responsibility for any singular action. It’s always the result of bad planning, extenuating circumstances, or the age old asinine assertion “I don’t want to start drama”. Bullshit. You’re a callow piece of shit no conviction that cows down the slightest bit of pressure. You dumped your boyfriend. You did it. Not your friend, not your mother, not your imaginary friend from when you were six. YOU. You made the decision. Take responsibility for it.
I spent two and a half years mired in a hell the likes of which I can’t begin to truly and or effectively convey. Attempt to picture, if you will, that the one thing you love and desire most in the world is the one thing causing you the absolute greatest pain imaginable. Every morning I woke up, and spoke to her as though the delusion were real. I would silently endure the knife being twisted when she’d tell me she had to go because he was getting home early. The ultimate stick in the eye was when she invited me over to stay the night since he was going out of town and then proceeded to tell me that she intended to sleep with him that night. A lesser man would have crumbled or exploded. But I endured. Perhaps I am the ultimate testament to the human spirit. But I endured it all, sat and mired through all the misery and shabby treatment. And in the end although everyone told me it was bad news I continued to sit there, stuck in the hell of my own creation. And you know what? I blame no one else for my decision. I made a choice, to stay there with her and wallow in the agony of every day I spent longing to be back in her arms. I was stupid, young and naïve and I paid a cost for that naivety. But I owned that choice. I made it of my volition.
It sickens me how many people push off their own short comings or mistakes on someone else. The myriad of excuses as to why simple things can’t be done or taken care of is enough to drown in. I feel like I’m set adrift in an ocean of sycophants; self serving, anti-confrontation, passive, dip shits that make a million and one excuses as to why they waver on simple things that they should be staunchly for or against. Too often I run into the miserable girl who hates her relationship but loves the guy. Sorry but you can’t have one without the other. If he treats you like you shit and you’re not happy about that, then you’re not happy in the relationship. I learned it the hard way, but I learned it. Show a little back bone and for once in your miserable life do something for yourself!