It seems a levee of sorts has broken. A kind of emotional wall that dammed up all of the free floating emotions that once fueled and propelled my ramblings has been torn down and now the stream of thoughts that once permeated my consciousness is again being laid to words. Two posts in just as many days, you guys are going to get spoiled.
I’m wrestling right now with the demons of the past, the hope of the future, and the wisdom to balance both without sacrificing or endangering either. Temperance is my word of the day, not only because somewhere along the line a playwright decided it’d make a nifty name for their lead character, but also because in this society full of excesses and overt indulgence it’s far too easy to get lost in the pursuit of what we believe will make us feel good.
Now I get, and I’ve even extolled as such, that there is a biological imperative that dictates that we gravitate instinctively toward feeling good and avoid pain as much as is possible. But when you become so blinded by the pursuit that you lose sight of the intention, or worse begin to sacrifice and prioritize irrationally, it becomes hedonism. I bring this up because for two and a half years I toiled and fought for my own gratification and was heedless of the cost I paid as a result. Looking back, the “death toll” is easy to see, but at the time it counted for virtually nothing.
More than anything I find myself overwhelmed with a new sense of amorous intention, and I’m unsure how to proceed. It should seem fairly plain and more or less obvious what I should do, but fear, trepidation, and too many phantasms of botched gambits refuse to let things unfold. It’s made even worse by the balancing act that must be undertaken in order to preserve discretion.
I’ll admit, I’m severely over thinking the entirety of the situation, but I feel it necessary to devote every ounce of cerebral processing ability to it as the feeling speaks of something greater. Only admitted within the strictest confidence, there is an intention to make this count for something more than just an idle indulgence of rutting. That said, the ideation that it could be as grandiose as hoped for, is staggering if for no other reason than because it’s such a massive admission and an invalidation of previous sentiments.
Okay by now I’m fairly sure a lot of you are wondering what the hell it is I’m talking about. I imagine a lot of you have given up referencing the dictionary and are resigned to the fact this post is more of a mindless rant of some deep seated emotional quarrel, as opposed to a widely approachable topic of discussion. That’s true to an extent. The issue I have with full disclosure at this juncture is that while the situation is more than obvious to those that care to pay attention, I’d prefer not to completely tip my hand is it’s at all avoidable. Should a full explanation be desired, feel free to contact me privately and I’ll be happy to discuss things, and even get ideas.
Back to the point, it’s an awe inspiring thing to realize that the better parts of your nature you once thought only elicited by the interactions of a specific stimulus are actually innate and immutable. I’m being forced to recognize that the more admirable attributes of my character are not relegated to memory or simply the result of an isolated influence. For all my posturing at being an irredeemable, sin filled deviant, it would seem that I’m actually more decent than I give myself credit for.
At this point the course of action is unclear, the future is gaseous and intangible in any form, and I’m bumbling blindly into it, hoping to find something solid to hold onto. To feel the completion once more, to revel in the exhilaration of being whole, it’s a pursuit I’m inclined to undertake with close minded devotion, but temperance is key, and caution is paramount. I fear botching the endeavor before it begins and can’t bear the thought. As such, I’m learning a new behavior as I simply let the universe unfold and am mindful of my impulses and inclinations; wrangling them into submission and finding contentment in going with the flow instead of forcing my own agenda to be satisfied.
Only time will tell what is to come, but for the first time in a long time, I’m actually filled with a sense of hope, happiness, and anticipation that isn’t tainted by the worst case scenario I’m usually so quick to adopt, and inadvertently enact. Wish me the best, and of course for the astute of you out there, feel free to put the pieces together and comment freely.
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