Following my last official entry, it was suggested that I begin to trim these down. “Say less with more” was the actual quote. While it might be a good way to attract advertisers and even to attract some new readers, I just can’t bring myself to do it. While I do want more engagement and more response from the few that do read, and some part of me really does want to increase my exposure, I can’t give up the fundamental facets of what this is: catharsis. I make my argument, I elaborate on my point, and when all is said and done, either there’s an argument (see Valentine’s Day 2010) or there’s agreement and encouragement. Now I know the tone wavers a bit between nauseating whining about my unrequited pursuit of love and the vilification/adulation of her, and my seeming overwhelming exuberance at something a bit more far reaching and relatable. I’ve done a lot of analysis in the past month or so about the kind of posts I put up and the comments they receive.
I found a bit disconcerting that while so many of you are unabashedly eager to bandy one slur or insult after another freely when commiserating on the shortcomings of my relationship with her, not one of you, not a single one, had the guts, gumption, or willingness to come to her aid and argue for the endurance of something truly beautiful that each and every one of you has a stake in: my happiness.
You’re all here because you care. I matter to you in different ways. And a majority of my regular readers have actually approached me at various times to vent, converse, decry, lament, or seethe about your relationships, and have I not always been ready and willing to listen, offer advice to make it work, and provide an objective analysis of the motivations behind a certain behavior or action? Yet when I ask the same, not a single voice in the Asylum cries out for my cause. Do you all truly despise her that deeply? She has wronged me, not you. It is my burden that carries the weight of her indiscretions and the shortcomings of her actions. And while this open tome has served a means of getting a clearer picture of things onto paper for the sake of allowing me to process my emotions and give me clarity, I have never expected anyone here to intercede on my behalf. I’d like to make clear that I’m not writing this with a tone of condemnation or anger. Quite the contrary actually, as I’ve found within myself, the resolve and the conviction I needed to keep going.
Like it or not, I have made my choice. I begrudge no one their happiness, in whatever form they find it. Mine comes in the form of a woman with more baggage than an airport terminal and more repressed emotions and unattended to insecurities than I could possibly enumerate. But I love her, deeply and fully. Those of you that know me with any measure of actual insight, know that my passion is intense and capable of being overwhelming in the extreme. My greatest task has been finding a way to focus that energy, to harness that potent passion and put it to use in a way that retains the power but does nothing to provide a detriment. I have finally reached that pinnacle and achieved my aim. The last month or so has hardly been one of grand excitement or blessing. True there has been a bit of good fortune, I got my new place with hardly any trouble, but the move has left me all but broke. But all of that aside, I’m no longer a slave to my passions, no longer chained or tethered to the ferocity of my own demons. I am free and in control of my reactions and my emotions.
My relationship has reached its apex. I honestly have never been happier with her. The coming weeks will yield a final and unquestioned decision and from that will either bring the greatest pinnacle of happiness and splendor I ever dared dream, or the ashes of the phoenix will be prepared to rise once more. I don’t know what the coming days have in store, nor do I venture a guess too far beyond what I can see immediately. I have hoped for far too much before, and I have felt the terse sting of disappointment that comes from having to accept that things didn’t play out the way I would have liked. For now, I’m doing my best to just enjoy, to just be, to feel happy, and to let the universe unfold on its own, in its own time, and as it chooses.
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