2009 saw numerous things for me personally. The New Year began with more of a whimper than a bang. I sat silent and nonplussed as the clock chimed twelve. The exuberance being felt at countless parties and relished by so many lovers across the land was lost on me. My love was no doubt cradled in the arms of someone else, her lips pressed against someone that was not me. Such was my lot in life. I sat quietly contented on the couch of a friend’s house, the TV serving more as white noise than anything to actually command my rapt attention. My phone idly buzzed and flashed messages of well wishing and celebration, but my heart hung heavy as I waited for the only message I really wanted. It arrived twenty-one minutes after midnight and simple said, “I love you baby, Happy New Year Pig. Feel me”. The euphoria that surged through me was unparalleled. For those brief few moments I was elated.
Nicole and I had endured the normal death knell of our relationship, the Holiday Season, and come out alive. No break ups, no terse words, no fighting, I even got her gifts. All seemed right with the world. The year progressed slowly, the days ticking by idly. Valentine’s Day came and went and little more was said than a passing acknowledgement of Singles Awareness Day. March began and served as one of the heaviest hearted months I’ve ever had to endure. Nicole’s two year wedding anniversary was looming just ahead and with it a deadline I’d imposed the previous December. She had to make a choice. As each day drew closer to the 24th, anxiety and fear permeated every fiber of my being. At last the Monday before arrived and she sat stoically upon my bed and delivered the words I hoped I wouldn’t hear. To be honest it came as no real surprise, her own fear and guilt had compounded in a way that left her unable to emotionally connect. Imagine my surprise at the realization that I had found and fallen for someone more emotionally stunted than myself.
The deadline came, harsh words were said, but still nothing changed. Within a month of that night we were back to behaving as though nothing had changed. Then came the announcement that she’d be moving by August and our relationship, such that it was, would end. I set out to try to make her stay and also to find ways to cushion the emptiness she would leave. No amount of talking, pleading, reasoning, deduction, or placating would bring about a reversal of what had already been set in motion.
The months wore on with little more being done or said to alleviate the impending chaos. I devoted time to my car, worked my ass off, and kept myself busy in a myriad of ways. The end of May saw my first face to face meeting with Natalie. I had stored her number in my phone back in February but had declined calling it as I was contented and too afraid of what may have been with Nicole. The meeting went well, albeit nothing of consequence happened. I returned to my life and embraced, as best I could, what was to come working diligently to keep the truth of the entire affair hidden from all but my most trusted friends. A month before Nicole was to leave me forever I set about making final preparations. I backed up the few letters and messages from my Myspace that held any meaning and deleted an account I had opened back in 2005. I also began to try to compartmentalize my feelings in an effort to keep them from consuming me.
A few weeks before Nicole took off, I found myself diverting my affections to a girl I’d not yet met. Entranced by a photo and enamored with what I could ascertain through my own observances I found myself intrigued and infatuated. Finally, through the facilitations of a mutual friend, Jessica and I finally came face to face. A most peculiar meeting to be sure, as she looked every inch the knockout I’d envisioned, and I was covered in sweat, grease, dirt, and countless other forms of grime. I’d spent the afternoon working on Jeremy’s Mustang and was covered in head to toe in the tell tale signatures of automotive work. Jessica and I began talking, and a mutual attraction seemed evident, but our own emotional hang ups served to be our undoing. I was nowhere close to letting go of Nicole, and Jessica still found herself harboring feelings for her ex. It was destined for doom before it began.
Nicole called me August 1 to say goodbye and less than a half hour later she and I were staring into each other’s eyes for what would be the last time. So many things left unsaid, so many feelings left unresolved, and yet we let it happen; heedless of the cost. Hours later I found myself trying to hold Jessica and recapture the feelings I’d had earlier that afternoon, to no avail. Jessica’s own proclivities toward physical affection were decidedly different than Nicole’s and trying to ascribe the same patterns of behavior to another person could only be described as being foolish at best. The late nights and early morning wore on and in the end all either of us had to show for our attempted trickery of ourselves was a couple awkward sexual encounters, some laughs, and a reaffirmed understanding that we really wanted people other than each other.
Silence is a funny thing. It can comfort you, give you peace, serenity, clarity, and an oneness with your own soul, or it can cripple you, wreak havoc on your mind and leave you battered and psychologically beaten. For me silence held solace from the immediate pain that followed Nicole’s departure and then it gave way to a chaos of the mind that, I have no doubt, would have consumed lesser men. Assailed by countless images and memories, eventually I managed to construct a mindset where I had achieved emotional detachment from the horrors that plagued me. While saying that I had found my peace from the devils of that time would be an outright lie, I have found a way to live each day without the pangs of want, longing, and misery that plagued me for so many days and nights. So in many ways I’m better. A part of me will always belong to her, will always be connected, and will always feel her. It’s inescapable that when you are that close to someone you begin to live in tandem. But persevere, survive, and endure I must, after all, no one else is going to save your sorry asses from the zombie invasion.
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