Remind me again where the jumper cables go...

“Systematic detachment from emotional reaction, terrifying to realize how easy it is to be affected.” If I had a nickel for how many times I’ve said those words as rhetoric, I’d be able to buy an island, balance the world economy and finance deep space exploration well into the next five centuries. The irony at this particular juncture is that words meant to indicate a lack of meaning or comment on how easily we assign meaning, have, at this particular point in time, no meaning at all for me. I’ve become remarkably numb and isolated from those around me, disconnected from the world. Even more interesting is the current propensity I seem to have been given for romantic interludes. Relationships in general have long been a primary focus of my works. I’ve had a billion and one pieces of commentary on them. I’ve given you all my insight, my brooding, my lurching rationalization on why certain things aren’t nearly as bad as they might be, but ultimately I fail to ask the underlying questions that can provoke more in depth thought. Recently it has occurred to me, that while I have several amorous pursuits at my disposal, some I’m even entertaining and devoting a considerable amount of time to developing, it’s all simply hollow endeavors, as I don’t seek the emotional pay off or truthfully even the physical intimacy that is so often the driving force behind these sorts of things. I’m not looking for a cheap hook up or even a relationship.

I find that despite the ease with which I can accomplish the above goals isn’t the deterrent for me, meaning I’m not bored with the lack of challenge, but rather that I’m unsure if I will find any kind of real satisfaction with winning out. The mindset seems to have devolved to a point where failure is truly the intended outcome and so that failure is assured through careful subversion of my own actions before the game is even put in play. I’m rekindling old connections and treading new ground with uncharacteristic fervor that makes for intimidating interpersonal climates if analyzed. Where once timidity and trepidation were espoused en masse as a kind of defense mechanism they’ve been replaced with brazen disregard for perception and now a proliferation of almost heretical rhetoric flows freely. To the firmly acquainted the change in behavior will come as a shock, while to others the brash affirmation of confidence serves more as a sign of genuine attitude. The ultimate commentary though is on the holder, in that I recognize the change from one school of behavior to another, and can’t say that I wholly like one over the other. To reignite and establish former silent channels provides excitement and interest but at the cost of being burned again, how long before the clock runs out and I have again run afoul of the implied and imposed rules? Further more, how long before the useless trappings of coveted flesh, intended promiscuity, and vapid personality does little more except further the spiral down this drain of disconnection and solitary movement? Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not depressed, woefully reflective or even miserably pining away in hopes of finding someone, but rather I’m all to aware of the irony of being content and yet feeling nothing at all for the potential excesses. A near army of women at my disposal for sexual satisfaction, even some for emotional contentment, and yet despite myself, I want none of it, not because I’ve gone gay or anything, but I think I’ve actually become afraid of women in true interpersonal relationships. This of course puts me at odds with the fact that while some part of me does feel a genuine loneliness that I want filled, I’m mentally and emotionally incapable of bridging the gap between my own introversion and my in born need to feel connected to another human being. So for now I’m an island, devoid of women, attachment, feeling, or even misery. I just am.

And so the question becomes, to you my dear readers, when the people meant to fill that vacuous void in the heart and mind are present but unwanted by the heart and mind yet the hole remains, what is left to fill it with? Why does anyone seek out companionship or connection with others? Why strive to forge a meaningful relationship when more often than not the trust we place in others is misused or abused? Why is it so easy for us as a society (sadly I’m finding it more and more often) that we make connections with people and then do little, if anything to maintain them, and further we openly acknowledge and apologize for our low involvement with others yet do little if anything to make a more committed investment in the people we haphazardly call friend. The word itself, friend, what does it mean. To most it’s an empty term used to denote someone with whom enough common ground is shared as to engender mutual feelings of enjoyment when in the others company. To me a friend is more than that. A friend is someone reliable, dependent, someone open minded not just like minded, someone willing to listen to an explanation or concerned enough to offer one of their own, and someone that is invested in the dynamic and not just aware of its existence. Sadly, and let me stress that word, SADLY, I find that far too few of the people I have in my life are worthy of the title of friend when that particular definition is used.

I’ve used words like connection to denote the dynamics between people, and with good reason. If you are friends with someone, you have made a connection, you connected to another human being, you shared yourself with them and they with you, yet far too many people are willfully disconnected from the people they facetiously call friend. At the risk of letting my sin dictate the next few observations, I’ve been told numerous times that I’m a better friend than (insert name) deserves. I am loyal to a fault, invested to the point of my own peril, and unyieldingly understanding of circumstances and behaviors that are painfully and obviously condemnable. I count the people I call my friends among the most trusted and revered in my social circle, as further evidence I have only taken one Best Friend at a time, a title that for me holds the meaning the words suggest, the first among all. The one person that no matter the time of night, the location or circumstance will be trusted to do everything within reason and ability to help me in my time of need. For far too many I am taken for granted, a useful tool for fixing computers, a plethora of encyclopedic information when needed, but not a viable human interest for interpersonal connection. The further irony is that for an alarmingly high number, and I do mean alarmingly high, of people in my life, some of you readers included, have become estranged, intimidated, afraid, or concerned when I invest myself in my relation to you. It’s not alien behavior, it’s human decency to want to listen and offer advice, or at least I thought it was at some point. But I have been impugned for my connected, my investment in others, and ultimately I’m left to feel as though my endeavor to maintain a friendship with someone I find worthwhile is something overt or unnecessary.
So again, I put it to you, my readers, do me a favor and define friendship. Not for me, but for yourself. What criteria do you put in place to know your friends from just people you know? Once you’re figured out how to know friend from acquaintance, decide if those friends are worth the time energy to maintain your connections or if you really owe nothing more than a phone call of need when you require their assistance.