Tell your girlfriend to stop raping me with her eyes!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I welcome you all to the Asylum. As I am constantly trying to cultivate my empire into something worthwhile and valuable I announce that from here out I will no longer descend into self deprecating rants of soliloquies of emotionally laden laments, but rather provide topical discussions of things a bit more approachable to the masses.
The requisite disclaimer out of the way, let’s dispense into a follow up of the previous entry with a more poignant question. While I have talked quite extensively about relationships and all they entail, everything from preferred terminology to dynamics of interaction and definition, an interesting query has presented itself. Hours after posting the previous entry it dawned on me that while most of my readers are female, and in truth most of my Facebook connections are female as well, the majority of the women I deal with do not actually have the issue I mentioned. So the puzzle begins to construct itself a piece at a time as I realize that there are very few people that must limit their contact with me, I begin to evaluate the reasons suggested as explanation by those that are subject to such limits.
Jealousy is an ugly monster. It infects and poisons the mind, leaving little more than unfounded suspicions and removing trust as the most implicit facet of any interpersonal dynamic. However we as a society have somehow allowed a mindset of ownership to permeate the landscape of romantic liaisons. Jealous men who request that their women have virtually zero contact with other men outside of their presence, women who willingly cow down to this treatment, and relationships built around the fear of infidelity.
Now I do understand that there do exist certain circumstances where it is prudent for one or the other party to be wary, but completely severing all measure of contact with friends is something I don’t comprehend. Perhaps I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never been asked to give up my friends in favor of my beloved, and I never would. But the double standard does lend itself to an interesting question. With a society where half of all marriages end in divorce, men are twice as likely to cheat as women, and female empowerment has become something engrained instead of something learned our culture still adheres to the norms of women being treated like property in terms of their interactions. Whether or not the fear of infidelity can be justified, the presence of that fear still makes itself known in a way that limits and influences the interactions perceived as acceptable behavior within the relationship.
In an age where independence is seen as the ultimate strength, why then would anyone willingly subject themselves to these rules? In my experience, the rhetoric of most people supports this, relationships are about mutual commitment toward collective betterment, yet inevitably romantic entanglements more often than not give way to a dominant and a submissive. Platitudes like “I wear the pants” “She makes all the decisions” “It’s just the way he was raised” and even “I know I could do better, but I love him” serve to illustrate the roles of each person involved in the relationship and in my opinion, once you’re done that, it’s not a partnership anymore.
Typically, the only facet that balances the relationship is the sex factor, in that men are more vocal about their sexual urges and women are more in control of them allowing for sex to be used a kind of weapon. However, the weakness in women is the emotional attachment they assign to their respective mates and thus men prey upon that in subtle ways as a means of dominating and satisfying their own sexual needs.

So in a society that nurtures the natural progression of dominant/submissive relationships, sex being used as a weapon, and somehow one party or the other having the authority to dictate allowable platonic association, why would anyone want to get into a relationship of any kind? The logic doesn’t add up. I mean I’ll be the first to admit that being in love is great. Being able to make yourself so incredibly vulnerable and trust someone completely is a wonderful feeling. Sadly the majority of relationships exist for years at a time, seemingly lost in unrivalled bliss, and then someone enters the dynamic that is unexpected and creates a tension and shows sides of people not previously seen. Such a dramatic change can alter or taint the relationship and raise fears previously absent.
But what happens when one person makes the decision to victimize their current other half for the mistakes of the previous one? For instance, a guy is has his relationship, it goes along great and then, BAM!, he finds out that the woman he’s trusted and loves has been cheating on him. So he’s heartbroken, dejected, and feeling stupid. I get all of that, it’s a normal emotional response, but then the guy gets into another relationship. Now this would be fine except that because his ex cheated on him, he now assumes that his current girlfriend is going to do the same. So he begins to request that she limit her contact with other guys, curtail “Girl’s Nights” with single women, makes a conscious and oftentimes heavy handed effort to integrate his friends into her social circle to the point of supplanting her own friends, and even insists that she go out with him and his buddies where she is summarily ignored. Now while most reading this description will scoff that they would never be cowed into this kind of behavior, take a moment and really look at your situation, maybe it’s not as extreme as I’ve said, but I’m sure there are areas where compromise has given way to subjugation.
For those that have made it this far, I’m sure the puzzle has begun to assemble itself. It’s not just the requests of limited contact but rather the expectation that it be adhered to, by both parties. It seems that when truthfully analyzed, there is no balanced relationship. Those around during my tenure with Nicole will announce firmly that I was mistreated in spite of my devotion. Countless other women are asked to sever contact with their male friends or made to feel guilt for having them. Men are harassed about any measure of communication with their exes or even good female friends. Yet we allow it to go on, perpetuating the behavior by doing little to stop it, by sheepishly complying with the demands, overt or otherwise, of our lovers, and actively seek out people to be in relationships with, all the while wholly ignorant of the behavior and badly crippling it really is.
With S.A.D. less than a month away, it’s no wonder that people are clamoring to hook up and find connection. Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone changing their status or flaunting their new relationship like a cheap pair of shoes. Actively searching out a means of feeling connected but at the same time giving up some of the most innate liberties we enjoy and all of it in the name of emotional completion.
Now I know this entire thing paints a very bleak picture of relationships, but the point I’m getting at, is that any romantic dynamic should make life better not worse. No sacrifice of friends, family, or connection should have to severed in order to placate your partner. Relationships are about growth not interdependency and the longer that we allow our culture to engender feelings of guilt or fear instead of love and acceptance, the more that we will propagate and nurture generations of people too spoiled to work at their relationships, and others who are too scared to fight for what they want.