Not sure how Sunday will be known in the annals of my history. Saying it was the end of the world is giving it too much credit, and saying it was the end of something beautiful….well it’s accurate but I don’t want to dwell in imagery, I’ll be doing that enough in my own head. Sad to say that no matter what gets posted here, it’ll be raw truth and but it will be refined. My own proclivities, the madness of this whole thing…well there’s no real way to make it make sense to anyone that isn’t me. I’m hurt, I’m in pain. I know that relationships end every day and while this one has ended many times before, I’m faced with the assertion that this is the end. Some part of me thinks it was a copout on her part simply because she got pregnant. Certain things she said kind of resonated with me that it might be the case. But then again I could smell the cigarettes in her hair, and she alluded to a drinking problem, that along with the fact that I saw a receding gum line and a slight yellowing of the eyes, well it’s the early markers of jaundice. I know that to most these observations would seem like my attempt at being deliberately mean or some weak attempt at a self-affirmation for my being better off without her, but it’s just simply not true. I don’t need to hide from the pain or make myself feel better. Truth be told I kind of saw this coming a long time ago. It just didn’t make sense, she carries a mountain of baggage but is far too afraid to even see it, let alone attempt to deal with it. Like so many others she is broken, and I think in that, I’ve recognized the fundamental impetus for the overwhelming animosity toward her.
While it would be unfair to say that it’s all because of this presumed epiphany I think the unspoken and perhaps even unconscious cause of the animosity is not necessarily that she’s hurt me, but that she is what we all fear we might one day become. She is stagnancy. She achieved a plateau and sought no higher plane. She chose to accept that what she had achieved was the best she could do and in that she has become a personification of perhaps the greatest threat one like myself could encounter, something that strips away my passions. I am the embodiment of conviction and commitment, the last of a dying breed of romantics and it’s no wonder that it infuriated so many of you so much that I devoted so much of myself to someone that just seemed to take it as a given. I have become a universal constant of sorts, the lone voice of reason and rationality in this world. I am the last man willing to give up everything, to sacrifice all that I am and offer up all that I have in order to win love. I make no excuses for her choices, but in the same token I do not seek to vilify her. She is a good person, but she is terribly lost. I saw that, and I’ve spent the last four years trying in vain to save her from herself. I can save anyone from anything, but I couldn’t save her from herself, because she didn’t want to be saved. She wanted to badly to stay in that place, to remain that zone of balance.
I am so consumed by impotent rage, such vitriolic and overwhelming anger. If I gave myself over to that impulse…well I don’t want to think about the lengths I would go to. I’m set adrift without an anchor at the moment and this is perhaps the most lost I’ve ever been. I chose love and I was thwarted by fear. There is no apology for that, there is no redemption, no excuse or explanation that allows it to make sense. The whole thing is a riddle. We may not have ever been meant to be. It began because she felt underappreciated, and I was the answer. I was a young man, still naïve to so many things and she saw in me an innate adoration that would satisfy that need, such was her fear that she sought out what she needed from another rather than ask for it from the man she was marrying. I obliged, but I pushed all of my passion into it. I made a relationship from nothing. I invested all of myself into it. I allowed all of my power, my pride, my ability to bring it together, to keep it running, to make it work. I did this. I have done the impossible and I should feel pride in that.
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