I watched something beautiful be destroyed...
And so it has ended. The long saga has finally penned what is, for all intents and purposes, the final chapter. After 4 years, 5 months, and 1 week, the final curtain has come down and the decision has been made. Needless to say, it did not go in my favor. Right now I’m still reeling, a bit too far flung to the edges of pain and misery to really process any intellectual thought beyond simply, “wow, that fucking sucks”. I had the initial reaction of angry tears, but stifled them in her presence, she’s scared enough of her own shadow, don’t need to give her more reason to live in fear of me. I’d say I’m in shock, but it would be lying for the most part because deep down I saw this coming weeks ago. She asked me to see things from her side, to put myself in her shoes, and to try to understand the reasons for her decision. It’s always been difficult to do that with her, because while I’m able to empathize quite well with most, I can offer a compulsion or at least the promise of the strength needed to implement change. With her however, it just always cycles back to self-deprecation and too much crippling fear to try anything. So in following her wishes I think it is simply fear that made the decision, not her. Fear of life changing, fear of admission, fear of doing anything. As Maynard says, there is no love in fear, and it’s true. To quote Ewan McGregor, “Choose”. I made my choice 4 years ago and I spent every day from then until now fighting to validate that choice and to see it come to fruition. I’ve taken most of you along for the ride, thank you for joining me. I at this point, while the pain is still overwhelmingly fresh, and the wound has not yet had time to heal, the best I can come up with, is that I feel hollow and empty inside. As for putting myself in her shoes, well, the best understanding I can offer right now is that she looked at her perception of my life, an existence riddled with trials, drama, chaos, and a myriad of larger than life situations, and saw that I am able to endure, overcome, manage, cope, and deal with all of it with only a token need for venting and expression. Somehow she convinced herself that she could not measure up, could not manage, and would inevitably be consumed by it all. She chose the path of least resistance, the road more traveled and the life with less work needed to endure. I’d say I blame her, but being honest, I think I’m the only person in existence that sees the value of suffering for a greater good. So for right now, I’ll end this, but expect many more in the coming days, depending on how well I’m able to manage whatever emotions might pop up. For right now I’m really trying not to be hostile about things. I did notice a few things though, she mentioned too much drinking being a side effect of all this and she admitted to feeling underappreciated with him being the impetus for the dawn of our affair. At this point there are two truths within that, the receding gum line is an early testament to the liver failure that has already begun and the genesis of cancers that are beginning to grow. And the fact that she felt underappreciated and sought out companionship elsewhere says that even in the relationship she chose, she still feels unequal, so in being completely honest, it’s only a matter of time before things reach a point where it all comes back full circle.
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