The choices we make, the actions we take, the decisions we own, they all come down to our own conviction and the exercising of personal will. But what happens when the thinks we think we know we’re incapable of validating and the consequences of choice are just too far flung to fathom, too daunting to contemplate, and too terrifying to really try to comprehend. For me, I’ve never shown fear, I have always owned my decisions, I’ve made my choices and stuck by them without ever flinching. Sure there have been times where I’ve wanted to take something back, to do something over again and try for a better outcome, but I’ve always been blessed with an abundance of personal conviction. My resolve is unwavering in almost every instance. It’s this that I’ve taken for granted. Now in keeping with the idea that in order to attain closure on this whole thing and move beyond it, I have to understand it, I feel it pertinent to at least posit, what if I was not so resolute? What if my conviction was in question? Or if my choices were something I couldn’t necessarily believe in?
It’s a token thing that I don’t spend much time second guessing myself, rather I acknowledge mistake or error when it happens and attempt to atone and correct the situation. It’s a no brainer response, and it’s something I don’t question, but while for me it’s a tried and true response, and for the majority of you guys it’s something that you aspire to, what has allowed me to be so undaunted, so resolute, and so unquestioning of my own motivations? I know it seems nonsensical but it’s a valid question. I barreled along for four years without ever flinching or even pausing to consider another choice. But I forget that for so many others, her included, and even the majority of you, that kind of commitment is something unheard of. So that being said, it’s worth at least considering two major points, what endows me with the ability to make a decision and stick to it, heedless of the personal cost. The other thing to consider is, if my resolve is something unique to me from experience, upbringing, or is instead something indelible, well am I the anomaly that should seek to change?
I know this is a lot of questions and not much in the way of a formal argument toward a point. I also know that those of you who have been along for the ride this far or even those who got off and came back along the way, I should be decrying her and doing nothing at all to put myself in her shoes. Well, I’ve made my decision here that I’m not going to wallow in anger or pity, or doubt. It’s unproductive and it does nothing to help me heal or understand. It’s negative emotion that becomes nothing more than added weight and keeps me from doing more. There again, a simple affirmation of conviction that takes less than a second and I’m not even slightly inclined to consider another course of action. So what is it that lets me do it?
I certainly do not completely understand the universe, my role in it, or anything of that nature. Nor have I come to fully understand the intricacies of every situation. I’m not clairvoyant, psychic, or in touch with anyone on the other side. And I do have fears, no phobias per se, but I do have fears. So why am I so capable of having such unwavering conviction? I’m really hoping you guys can give me answers to this. I stand in the face of adversity time and again and I always manage to stay the course and arrive at exactly where I want to be.
So let’s just put together a scenario for sake of argument. So the choice is life changing, something that completely alters the day to day of existence. The results are far reaching, affect a good number of people and their reactions are expected to be along certain lines at the outset, but it’s hard to tell whether their own hubris and prejudice will win out over their wanting me to be happy. Okay let’s put names and faces to it all. Let’s say that I was considering getting back together with her and it could actually work out. She’s single and asking me to be with her. So if I decide to be with her, I invoke the ire of so many who have vilified her, I suffer the slings and arrows of others who say I’m throwing away something beautiful and it won’t be worth the sacrifice. No for me, it’s a no brainer, I make my choice and stick with it. But for sake of argument let’s say I’m not so resolute, not so self-assured…I think that’s it. Nosce te ipsum. I know myself, inside and out, I know what I’m capable of and what makes me tick and it is precisely that fact and understanding of myself that allows me to do what I do. I see my flaws, my faults, my shortcomings, and I embrace them, I don’t necessarily flaunt or laud them, but I accept and work to resolve them. I am comfortable with myself and who I am. My strength and resolve is culled from my innate understanding of who I am and what I’m willing to do. I am unafraid because I know that no matter what I do, I do it with the full understanding that I remain unchanged and unaffected unless I choose to let it be otherwise. Unfortunately that nifty little epiphany has given way to another question of why am I so comfortable with myself and my own skin when so many others are so ill at ease? Meh, an argument for another day, this is circular enough and I think I’ve raised more questions than I’ve answered.
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