The power of love...(Or, Huey Lewis almost got it right)

So here I sit, having finally acknowledged the full extent of the negative that I was fighting to keep on the fringe. I recognized the power of anger and chose to turn it into something positive, determined not to let it consume or debilitate me.  Regrettably, in being so staunch in my resolve, I had allowed a number of things to pass without incident. I’d offer up details but at this point I’m still trying to sort everything out. I apologize my friends, but expect an increase in the number of cryptic messages coming from yours truly in the coming weeks. For those that are curious, feel free to approach me directly (those that are worthy have the means) and I’ll be happy to provide honest, direct, and full answers to any questions you pose. Here though…well it’s too open, too exposed and I’m still sorting through a great number of things. I’ve given in to easily to trying to offer up insight and refuge for too many, being the heart and emotional anchor for the masses when they can’t bring themselves to seek the enlightenment they so wantonly devour from me. I know this is beginning to verge on sounding bitter or militant, and that’s why I’m fighting so hard right now to handle this all in the right way. I don’t want to let all of this affect me in that way, I don’t want to be that person. I am stronger than that, and I’ve grown beyond that. There is no justice or benefit for me harboring the negative or dwelling on it. I had something beautiful and I watched it die. I watched fear and a profound lack of conviction destroy something that could have absolutely grand and incredible. I’ve belabored that point enough, I think even I’m getting tired of hearing it. She was a coward, and she let fear make her choice, not love. There I’m done, the final word on that point for a while.

Even rereading that last sentence leaves me with a bitter metallic taste in my mouth, because I’m still giving in to the animosity and the vitriol of something that I cannot allow to influence me. I thought holding on was the test of my resolve, but coming out of this unscathed and without severe or irreparable psychological damage/trauma is going to be the real test of just how strong my psyche really is. I’ve conquered suicide attempts, endured bullying, survived mistreatment, subjugation, oppression, public humiliation, and even having to defend my heart’s desire against a thousand naysayers with little more than a base understanding of the people involved, and the only test that matters is what I choose to do now. How I choose to be, who I choose to be, from here out. I can only fathom it’s a matter of time before things swing back and the pendulum reaches back the other way. Deep down both of us knew exactly what was and has always been meant to be. I provide excitement, fulfillment, compassion, near infinite understanding, and an unwavering commitment to a vision I hope to see come to fruition. I’ve no doubt or delusion that I’m alone in holding these views and this uncompromising dedication, but the man that ended up my better…I’ll never meet him to actually tell him how lucky he is, how wonderful a woman he has, and how strong the ties that bind her to him really are. While it is incredibly easy for me, or even most of you, to vilify and bash her, not one of you came to her defense a few months back, and what’s more is that not a one of you ever actually met her. She is not a bad person, never was, and truthfully never could be. Misguided and lost in the fear of her own choices, guided by the best of intentions and too afraid to move, it is low self-esteem, a misunderstood value of self, and her own insecurities that propelled her to the finality she optioned. Fear of being alone, of not having someone to come to her defense, and when she found that in me, someone with unquestioned and unflinching tenacity to always provide the best and spare her all harm and pain, it got her thinking about who she was as a person and what she deserved. The answers to those questions required reflection on the fundamentals tenets of what makes you, you. No one likes being thrust under the microscope like that and especially when you’re doing it in the hopes of seeing someone that is worthy of such selfless behavior.

But who among us, who among all of you, can say that you’ve not chosen fear when it was the less daunting option? She’s not a bad person, and I will not commit libel or engage in endless insult slinging. She is a wonderful person and had things worked out, I’d have been very lucky to have her. Despite the proclivities of most of you to see only the pain she caused (partially my fault for only reaching out to deal with that pain), she is a phenomenal human being. I think perhaps if I were to engage to any semblance of “revenge” it would simply be to shake the man’s hand and convey, through weighted words and veiled references, just how lucky he is and how much he should appreciate the love he has. In the end, for all the impossible I did, for all the mountains I moved, for all the stars I brought down from the sky, for all the demons I slayed, for the infinite understanding and acceptance I offered, for all of the miracles I performed, it simply was not enough to make me more appealing than the love she’d already found. In that regard it is nothing to be angry about or to seek any kind of malicious revenge; rather it’s something to be celebrated. I dared to fathom a depth of love that few can begin to comprehend, and in that I pitted it against the kind of love that you get married for. I lost. I’m not defeated, I’m renewed, I know what I’m capable of, I know that I can love and be loved and that there are still beautiful people in this world, inside and out, and to wallow in the hurt, in the heartache; to let rule the hollow emptiness of the love I’ve had to swallow down and “forget”, it’s a disservice to the incredible things I did, it’s a slap in the face to the genuine and unconditional love I found, and it’s make a lie out of every declaration of wanting her to be happy. I did want her to be happy, and not just with me. I do want her to be happy. I don’t know if she’s reading, if she’ll ever stumble through here and find this, but since it’s my page and I can remain uncensored, let me say this, if ever a more perfect and beautiful love exists in this universe, let it be known, I came first. I set the bar for unconditional acceptance and understanding. I, a mere mortal, a man of limited means and borne of a sordid past, put forth a lifetime’s worth of energy, passion, and love to declare my love, and I will never deny, decry, or abhor those feelings. If ever the pendulum does swing back in my favor, if ever that love is seen fit by the fates to be requited, I will accept it, with graciousness and never stop appreciating every day that passes from that day to my last, as I am reminded, by something as simple as her smile, just how unequivocally lucky and blessed I would be. My love has not gone, my choice has not changed, but the clock ticks by once more, and with it too, does my affection. If the hands of fate see fit to bring her back to me so be it, and if it is to serve as a reminder what a driven man can accomplish, there is no fault in that either. I only pray that every night he holds her, he knows and appreciates, fully and completely, just exactly what he has and never stops thanking the powers that be for such a precious gift.